Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
