Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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