theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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