Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
