I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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