HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
