He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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