Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
