Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
