I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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