Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
