but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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