oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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