I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
