He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
