im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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