So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
