so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
