All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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