I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize