I wish I could teleport
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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