OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
