I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
