Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
