masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
