FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
