What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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