i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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