Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
