if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
