I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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