I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
