I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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