While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize