i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
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