he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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