I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
