I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
