There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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