did you get engaged???
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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