I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
