I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
