my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
