literally had 100 drinks last night.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
