You're my little dorito
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
