bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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