i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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