if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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