capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
