Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
