You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
