I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
