I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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