When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
