They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
