Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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