last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
