people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
