I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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