her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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